Men and Christmas

Recently I spoke to a men's group and suggested we might sometimes allow ourselves to be more vulnerable with our wives and families. After the session, a man came up to me and said, "I can't believe you are asking MEN to be vulnerable-- that's the last thing we want to be. You're offending most of your audience when you say things like that."

Especially during this special season, I am suggesting that is exactly what we need. The image our family needs of us is not one of an invincible linebacker in protective gear but a servant on his knees seeking a spiritual connection with God. We may see that as vulnerable but the paradox is that it is an image of strength and commitment.

The purpose of Men in Balance is to help men in their spiritual growth. During this blessed season, why not examine yourself spiritually and initiate a conversation with your spouse about your spiritual partnership and what she wants for the marriage and the family in terms of this important link.

Ironically, I have spoken with several men recently whose wives have walked out on them near the Christmas holidays. They didn't see it coming! Incredibly, they had had no conversation with their spouse about the state of their marriage in years (or had stonewalled any attempts to work on "the relationship.")

So what about it? Are you ready for some Christmas? Some re-connection with your spiritual self? Some vulnerability in your walk with Christ and your marriage. There's more strength there than you know!

Men involved in Christmas???

What's up with men sitting on the sidelines at Christmas time? Why do the women do all the work, keep the family engaged, make all the arrangements--and we just show up? (This is not always the case, but it is a frequent complaint of women around the holidays.) I even heard of one husband who asked his wife on December 24, "What are we getting the children for Christmas?"

This year, make it different! Be a partner in the work and the joy of Christmas. That means more than putting up the tree and hanging the hard to reach stuff. Make it a time of communion with your partner around a blessed time of year. If you are uncertain as to what to do, try these ideas:

• Get involved in the decision making about gifts and the shopping as well--and show some excitement
• Help pick out, mount and trim the tree down to the last ornament (make sure Christmas music is playing and not a ball game)
• Plan to get the entire family to a special church service
• Christmas shows on TV get priority over sports shows
• Initiate the reading of the Christmas story before opening gifts
• Read scriptures and have a prayer of thanksgiving every night till Christmas (and beyond!)
• Have a real conversation with your partner about what makes the season special for her--then make it happen
• I'm sure you can think of others, but the message is BE THERE. Being busy with work does not excuse us from active participation in the season.
  
  What are your ideas about this? Post them on the blog.

Segmented Lives

In this week's Balance Beam(TM) message, I noted that like John Edwards, many of us are living double lives, the result of our ability to segment and "wall off" sections of our lives from the "rest of our life." We delude ourselves into thinking "no one will ever know" the unflattering things we do, while ignoring the larger question about why we are no longer integrated, whole men--we truly are who we say we are and not hiding behind an "image."

What do you think. Are men guilty of this more often than women? What are the risks--to career, family, personal integrity of self-delusion or justifying behavior we know is wrong?

Question: Would you be willing to answer to an "accountability partner" who would keep you honest with yourself? Someone who would challenge your behavior when it gets out of line with what you know is right?

I'd welcome your thoughts on this.

Jerry Hancock

Do Men Hate Going To Church, Really?

I've been reading a book Why Men Hate Going to Church by David Murrow and for me it really hit home. Here is a summary of some of the key points I found helpful in the book and I hope you will consider them as you think about men's programs in your church and how men react to church in general. Murrow also has a website churchformen.com and there are sections specifically for churches which may be of interest to you.

It seems that men have always been under-represented in the church (except in the clergy). On any given Sunday the audience in most churches is about 60 percent female (up from 53% in the 50's). Nationally, that’s well over 13 million men AWOL from church. But there are other troubling statistics as well. About 25% of married women worship without their husbands. Less than 10 percent of churches are able to maintain a thriving men's ministry. About 90 percent of the boys raised in church abandon it during their teens and 20s never to return. In a Men in Balance survey (http://meninbalance.org) of churchgoing males, only 56% say their family sees them as a strong spiritual leader.

On the positive side, when a mother attends church, the chances of the rest of the family attending are about 17%. When the father attends, the chance that the entire family will attend jumps to 93%. There's good reason to get men more involved in the church.

David Murrow suggests a number of reasons why men do not attend church in larger numbers. While I am aware that many of the reasons men give for not attending church seem flimsy, there are a lot of things which we can do in churches to make them more "male friendly."

The full article is at http://meninbalance.org/articles/menhatechurch.htm

What do you think??? I'd really love to start a dialog about this.

Jerry Hancock, Executive Director
Men in Balance

Divorce

Recently divorced and have my kids every other weekend and need any help or suggestions on how to deal with issues with the kids, being with their mom fulltime in how to deal with the kids when i have them. It seems like i have to compete with what mom does for them. Seems like she is spoiling them and with child support and all it is hard for me to compete. With trips that she takes them on and them getting older and wanting to be with their freinds even though they only see dad every other weekend. (from an email)

Various/Miscellaneous Issues

Do you have any special advice for gay men? KM

Money Issues

Hey guys -- it is great to have this forum to kick things around. I have always thought there is a certain breed of guy who treats money just like money length -- "Look at me! Mine's bigger than yours!" When -- in truth -- past a certain (relatively minimal) point, it doesn't matter.

Responses?(FM)

Children Issues

My kids are grown and it is payback time, I guess. I did not spend a lot of time with them when they were coming up and now they seem too busy with their own lives to spend much time with my wife and me. I drop hints but no luck so far. There will likely be grandchildren soon and I don't want to miss out on that. GH

Marriage Issues

My wife is the world's greatest critic--especially of me. I don't handle that well and we frequently wind up in arguments. I heard a minister say the Christian thing to do is to simply listen and not respond. How can you do that? It hurts--and she doesn't seem to care. Do others feel this way? LV

Work Issues

I recently had a conversation with my boss in which I told him I was heavily committed to my family and church. About a month later, I was passed over for a promotion and I can't help but think there is a connection. To me the lesson is, don't talk about personal stuff at work! KJ

Sexual Issues

I feel like the sexual side of my marriage is dead. We have "mercy sex" but I have difficulty sometimes getting aroused at that kind of sex. We're both near retirement but I don't want to retire from my love life. TC

Spiritual Issues

I would like to deepen myself spiritually but I have not done anything about it. I really do not know how to start. I am active in church, but honestly do not feel it offers much of value to me. I would appreciate any suggestions. KF

Welcome!

Please share your thoughts and ideas with us here.....on an existing topic or start a new one.