If you know the brokenness of life, its fractures within and its division
without, then you have participated in the broken body of Christ, and you are
invited to share in the breaking of bread.
If you desire to know the love of God that overcomes indifference and
despair, if you desire the reconciliation that overcomes estrangement and
alienation, then you're invited to share the cup of the new covenant.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Communion Invitation (your response?)
I liked this communion invitation attributed to Gordon Forbes, pastor of United Church of Christ and quoted in an essay by Ian Barber Wholeness In Science And Personal Life in a book called Living The Questions (a tribute to Parker Palmer and his work) by Sam Intrator:
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Are You A REAL Man?
(Below are some of the remarks from the Men's Ministry breakfast at Davidson United Methodist Church on September 20th, 2009)
A few weeks ago a man who was getting on in years said to me that when he had to call a repair man to do things at his home, he couldn't bear to stay in the same room with the repairman as he did his work because it reminded him of the fact that he could no longer do this work for himself. He had to leave the room in embarrassment.
How said the story is!
This man has defined himself as being the caretaker, provider, fixer of things in his relationship. And since he is no longer able to perform those functions, he is somehow less of a man.
My question is this: why do we define ourselves as men so narrowly?
If I ask you (as I did the breakfast attendees) to jot down on a piece of paper 3 words that were used to define manhood when you were growing up, chances are you would write things like: strong, independent, great provider, never cries, individualistic, unemotional.
If I ask you to write down some words to describe how you would like your son or grandson to see themselves, chances are you'd write words like empathic, sensitive, considerate, spiritual, tender-hearted.
Isn't it interesting that the way society and our peers define manhood fails us as we get older? Being the tough guy and always invulnerable simply does not work in the real world of work and relationships.
Many times our independence and toughness cause us to be competitive, aggressive, inappropriately defensive in a relationships with colleagues--and especially our partners.
When I talk to women about what they want in a man, it is the qualities listed in the second list above. Being open, empathic, sensitive, responsive, tender-hearted, collaborative--these are the things that make for good relationships. Unfortunately these are the things we weed out of young boys as they become men in favor of being individualistic, independent and assertive.
The model Jesus presented to us of manhood is one of gentleness, but also one of being radical and even angry and violent (as in overturning the tables of the money changers in the temple). So it doesn't follow that to be a follower of Jesus you can only be meek and mild and ever compassionate.
I would challenge you to do this: sit-down with your partner and ask what characteristics of masculinity interfere with your relationship? Likely your partner will give you some feedback which may be tough to accept.
Men are simply not conditioned to be collaborative problem solvers, empathic listeners, tender-hearted feelers or anything of the sort. All those are seen as signs of weakness and most men would never allow themselves to express these feelings. Yet this is what relationships need to survive and thrive.
It is not enough to claim that you're a product of your environment or that you are the way you are because that's the way your father was. We are autonomous individuals, capable of changing the way we behave and the way we relate to other people.
Many men when they face adversity such as job loss or illness, come to realize that the "tough guy" stance no longer serves. In fact it gets in the way of genuineness and true relationship.
Are you a real man?
Are you man enough to initiate a discussion with your partner about being more collaborative, open and sensitive to her needs in the relationship? Are you willing to give up some of your macho behaviors and be real with other men? Are you willing to initiate discussions on things other than sports or sex or automobiles with other men? I hope so because I believe this is where the true rewards of being a man come to fruition.
To many times the only emotion we are allowed to express as men is anger. It is almost universally accepted for men to express anger--sometimes even when it leads to violence. But this truly makes us one dimensional human beings missing most of the great flood of richness that relationships with our partners and others can provide.
Here are some practical things you can do:
Initiate discussions with other men about real topics and feelings.
Talk to your son or daughter about the importance of being open emotionally to other people
Ask your partner how you can be a better listener in the relationship
Look on the Resource page of this website for interesting reading material about men's issues and how they affect our lives.
I would certainly be interested in hearing your feedback about these ideas. Please comment if you like.
If you want to contact me individually to discuss this, my e-mail and contact information is below.
Jerry Hancock
jerry@meninbalance.org
704.895.8976
(Below are some of the remarks from the Men's Ministry breakfast at Davidson United Methodist Church on September 20th, 2009)
A few weeks ago a man who was getting on in years said to me that when he had to call a repair man to do things at his home, he couldn't bear to stay in the same room with the repairman as he did his work because it reminded him of the fact that he could no longer do this work for himself. He had to leave the room in embarrassment.
How said the story is!
This man has defined himself as being the caretaker, provider, fixer of things in his relationship. And since he is no longer able to perform those functions, he is somehow less of a man.
My question is this: why do we define ourselves as men so narrowly?
If I ask you (as I did the breakfast attendees) to jot down on a piece of paper 3 words that were used to define manhood when you were growing up, chances are you would write things like: strong, independent, great provider, never cries, individualistic, unemotional.
If I ask you to write down some words to describe how you would like your son or grandson to see themselves, chances are you'd write words like empathic, sensitive, considerate, spiritual, tender-hearted.
Isn't it interesting that the way society and our peers define manhood fails us as we get older? Being the tough guy and always invulnerable simply does not work in the real world of work and relationships.
Many times our independence and toughness cause us to be competitive, aggressive, inappropriately defensive in a relationships with colleagues--and especially our partners.
When I talk to women about what they want in a man, it is the qualities listed in the second list above. Being open, empathic, sensitive, responsive, tender-hearted, collaborative--these are the things that make for good relationships. Unfortunately these are the things we weed out of young boys as they become men in favor of being individualistic, independent and assertive.
The model Jesus presented to us of manhood is one of gentleness, but also one of being radical and even angry and violent (as in overturning the tables of the money changers in the temple). So it doesn't follow that to be a follower of Jesus you can only be meek and mild and ever compassionate.
I would challenge you to do this: sit-down with your partner and ask what characteristics of masculinity interfere with your relationship? Likely your partner will give you some feedback which may be tough to accept.
Men are simply not conditioned to be collaborative problem solvers, empathic listeners, tender-hearted feelers or anything of the sort. All those are seen as signs of weakness and most men would never allow themselves to express these feelings. Yet this is what relationships need to survive and thrive.
It is not enough to claim that you're a product of your environment or that you are the way you are because that's the way your father was. We are autonomous individuals, capable of changing the way we behave and the way we relate to other people.
Many men when they face adversity such as job loss or illness, come to realize that the "tough guy" stance no longer serves. In fact it gets in the way of genuineness and true relationship.
Are you a real man?
Are you man enough to initiate a discussion with your partner about being more collaborative, open and sensitive to her needs in the relationship? Are you willing to give up some of your macho behaviors and be real with other men? Are you willing to initiate discussions on things other than sports or sex or automobiles with other men? I hope so because I believe this is where the true rewards of being a man come to fruition.
To many times the only emotion we are allowed to express as men is anger. It is almost universally accepted for men to express anger--sometimes even when it leads to violence. But this truly makes us one dimensional human beings missing most of the great flood of richness that relationships with our partners and others can provide.
Here are some practical things you can do:
Initiate discussions with other men about real topics and feelings.
Talk to your son or daughter about the importance of being open emotionally to other people
Ask your partner how you can be a better listener in the relationship
Look on the Resource page of this website for interesting reading material about men's issues and how they affect our lives.
I would certainly be interested in hearing your feedback about these ideas. Please comment if you like.
If you want to contact me individually to discuss this, my e-mail and contact information is below.
Jerry Hancock
jerry@meninbalance.org
704.895.8976
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Comments about our fathers 6/21/09
My father was a Methodist Minister from graduation from Duke Divinity school till his death at the Methodist Home in 2005. Having grown up on a farm, he knew right from wrong and he was quick to call it when he saw it. He was not shy about bringing God to bear on the issues of our time.
During the late 50s and into the 1960s my father spoke out strongly on civil rights issues from the pulpit. He pointed out the God-given rights of all people to pursue happiness and to live free without fear. Many times he met stony silence but he continued to preach the Gospel of Christ and to point out the inconsistencies in our society. I was proud of his intensity and in 1962 became a protestor myself in Greensboro, NC when marchers tried to integrate the movie theater and the downtown lunch counter. When I was arrested my father came and bailed me out and said "Christ and I are proud of you". When I was later booted out of Greensboro College as a direct result of my continued militancy on civil rights, he confronted the President of the college, told him he was wrong and backed me 100%.
On Father's Day I will say a prayer for my father and for my son and for myself. May each of us call it the way it is even when it is uncomfortable and unpopular. My father did and I am still proud of him!
WBH Culp
My dad had a quiet reassurance about him and he was always there. I had a morning paper route as a young kid, which meant I was up and delivering papers before 6:00 AM Monday through Saturday. At the top of the hill on Pine Avenue I delivered the last paper and headed for home. There in the distance was the silhouette of my dad in the kitchen window cooking a hot breakfast of French toast or pancakes. I knew I was almost home. I knew I was safe. Beyond anything else my dad made me feel safe, and that’s one of the most important things a kid can feel.
My dad had a knack for saying just the right thing at just the right time…
I sat in the car staring out the window watching the kids who had arrived before me shoot baskets. I was nervous. My first basketball camp, my first time away from home and I was in the 7th grade. My dad didn’t say much on the way to Jack Donohue’s Basketball Camp. But I think he knew that I was nervous. He glanced out the window and watched the kids shooting, too. One of them missed a shot.
“He missed,” my dad said. For some strange reason, I wasn’t nervous any more.
My dad could put my mind at ease without saying a word. He had this reassuring wink that told me everything in the world was going to be OK, and searching the stands for his wink was a big part of my pre-game ritual during my high school basketball career.
I’ve always wanted my dad to be proud of me and I hope he is, because I am proud of him and love him very much.
Lewis M. Kayes, III
Son of Lewis M. Kayes, Jr.
Dr. Sir,
I reply to your request because I have thought all of my mature life that my father was truly exceptional.
Born in Augusta, Georgia, and from his boyhood a member of the First Presbyterian Church there, he was a model member, was a lifetime churchman who, when I was a teenager, was a virtual founder of the Clairmont Presbyterian Church in Decatur, Georgia. In Augusta he had met my mother, who was born in nearby Grovetown, Georgia. They became engaged at the height of the Depression and could not get married because Dad had no job yet. A graduate of Georgia Tech with a degree in Architecture, he had been presented by Tech with a scholarship to help him get a Master’s degree in Architecture from the Harvard University Graduate School of Design. I have inherited many of the letters they exchanged as they waited and hoped for his graduation, which they thought would produce a good job for him whereby they could be married.
After earning his Master’s from Harvard, he could not, because of the Depression, soon find a job in Atlanta. Their letters at the time show great disappointment and depression concerning their hopes. But Dad never gave up hope, and he finally found a job that paid him just over seventeen dollars a week!!! It was on that salary that they were married and that I was born. But he never complained. He just worked and designed some of the key buildings in Atlanta, especially, in 1939, the first mall and shopping center in Atlanta that had off-street parking: The Briarcliff Plaza. At the same time he was an officer in the Army Reserves and was one of not many Americans on active duty when World War II broke out. I saw him come to my mother on the day after Pearl Harbor and tell her, concerning his artillery unit, that “They have given me one hour to tell you goodbye.” On he went, eventually to Boston, where he was assigned as the officer to load the Queen Mary, which had become an American troop ship, with the first Americans to be sent to Australia and New Guinea to defend them against Japanese air attacks. He kept a diary of his entire wartime service from 1941 to 1945, which records his daily sacrifices and achievements to protect his country and its people. He became a battery commander and general advisor to other Army and Navy forces concerning how to overcome Japanese attacks. He started as a first lieutenant and became a major before war’s end. His diary shows how his religious faith supported him throughout and how often he used that faith to comfort and encourage others.
Upon war’s end, he came back to Atlanta and re-entered architecture, designing such classic buildings as the home of the Retail Credit Association, while at the same time fathering two more children, in addition to the two who had been born before the war. Always going to church regularly (even Sunday nights and Wednesdays), he made me and my brothers devoted all of our lives to church and religious life. One of us has just himself retired as a Presbyterian minister who began his service to God and man in Scotland, continued it in Texas and Arkansas, and ended it in Oklahoma, while most f the time our father was a major anchor of the Clairmont Presbyterian Church in Decatur, Georgia, to whose origins he had contributed by getting its property donated by an uncle, and its designs influenced by advice and gifts.
He was a fulltime father, husband, reserve officer, and ruling elder. A 1991 stroke made it necessary for him to spend the remainder of his life in a nursing home, where he impressed all with his courage and endurance. Just before he died in that place, he told me during a visit to him, “Lister, I like this place. They take good care of me.” Along with thanks for mother, I thank God for him every night. He never made much money, but he gave very much of himself to very many. I am honored to be his son, and since his death in 1994, continue to try to live up to the example that he set for everyone who ever knew him.
James Lister Skinner IIII
My dad was a wise, quiet, trusting man. Within that demeanor he unspokenly communicated a confidence that I would do my very best. He, himself, never had the opportunity for much formal education. As one of 14 children, he was hired out to other farmers for planting and harvesting -- much like farm laborers today. When it was time to plant, he was committed to the farm and had to leave school. Ditto when it was time to harvest. Within this pattern he never completed the 7th grade, yet he was one of the wisest persons I ever met. After marriage, he and my mother moved from the farm to the nearby city of Hagerstown, MD. He took a job as a factory worker cutting shoe soles. It was long hours, and he never earned more than $5,000 a year. But he and mother were very frugal, farmed a large plot behind their home and kept chickens. When it came time for me to go to college, the factory owner (a Scrooge-type person) came to him and offered to loan him money for my education. Dad graciously thanked him and said that wouldn't be necessary. Knowing how hard they worked and "scrimped," spurred me all the more to study hard and "scrimp" on my expenses -- working on weekends and during summers. If I had one line to describe dad, it would be: He didn't tell me how to live. He simply lived and let me watch him do it.
Warm best,
Ed Palmer
My Dad was a product of the Great Depression and a life molded on the "farm" where everything was used and re-used and the only part of the pig that went to waste was the squeal. He graduated high school and went to college for a semester, but his family could not understand why he had to spend more time studying for his Davidson College classes than his North Meck classes. Their understanding and appreciation of "higher" education was limited. Consequently, he joined the Air Force shortly after Korea and wound up at Piedmont Natural Gas in their service department after his four years in the Air Force. He saw too many of the professional soldiers were as professional as drinkers and he wanted no part of that, so he went to a "trade". He stayed there for 35+ years and retired as the senior serviceman for Piedmont when he was forced to leave because of his health.
He spent his life sacrificing for others, including myself and my sisters and my Mom. All three of us graduated college, two of us graduated with advanced degrees including my law degree and my sister's doctorate. While he did not "pay" for our education, he provided for us so that other funds could be used and we had all of our other needs cared for. None of us had any college debt when we graduated. The sacrifices of his life gave us huge financial advantages and his attitude towards education, being markedly different than that of his parents, put us on a different path ... one that he could have traveled but for others' limited perspective which he refused to adopt.
My Dad was not a brilliant scientist or doctor. He was not a savvy financier or businessman. However, he died worth seven figures and did not stab anyone in the back to do so or steal from any shareholders or the "market" at someone else's expense. He left us in a great position to find our fortunes. He taught us the value of hard work and commitment: to his wife, children, employer and God. He was the epitome of taking care of the small things and the bigger things falling into place. As I have grown older, I have seen more and more just how wise and good we was. He knew how to make the "right" choices. He left us much too soon at age 65, but he made up for any loss in quantity of time by quality of person and example.
Bob McIntosh
I want to thank my dad for his past and present perseverance and family leadership. He leads by example by taking one day at a time. I love him dearly and pray my kids know how much he loves them as he also loves me. My father is a great man. Thank you god for allowing him to be involved in my life.
Gary Frazier
My Dad (Richard Martin)
My dad was born into a farming family in 1899 in Wisconsin. He attended school to the 8th grade, but then had to stay home to help with the farming. He was not formally educated, but learned what he needed to know to be a good farmer. I was always impressed with his hard work (most days up at 5 AM to milk the cows and was not finished until about 6-7 PM). I spent a lot of time while growing up by helping my dad with farm work, and he taught me a lot about farming. However, by the time I reached high school, I had decided that I did not want to be a farmer. My dad was very sad and disappointed when I told him this. I wanted to go to college, but my dad did not think I needed a college education. He was very uncomfortable around people that more educated. I think that he might felt inferior. My dad set a good example for me to be a loving father and hard worker and dependable. However, he was somewhat distant, and we did not have many serious talks. He could be very stubborn sometimes and had some prejudice against blacks and Jews. However, I never saw him disrespect anybody person to person. Overall, he was a very loving husband to my mother, good father to both my brother, and I and set a good example for both of us. I miss him very much and wish I could be with him this Father’s Day.
Doug Martin
June 16, 2009
I wish to share the wonderful memories I have as having the most closet to Christlike father anyone could have. I wish everyone could know how my daddy lived his life with true humility and honor for his heavenly Father. I talk often to my friends about the life lessons I learned from My Daddy. He taught me to respect other people's property. I remember one time in my high school years when my best guy friend bound for military service during the Vietnam era bought a Jeep and we went riding in a cornfield on Labor day and we trashed a corn field of a neighbor Farmer . when I got home daddy knew (small community ) that I had left with this guy and several of my buddies. called me in to the den and asked were you involved??? My answer (taught to never lie to any one by him) was of course yes. He was very angry but no one but me would ever had guessed that , He only said You were part of something that cost a Man part of his living . You will go to Mr. Hovis and offer to cut the corn you rode over with a manual corn knife and I will help you . but you and you alone must make this right , because you knew better, I said daddy everybody else knew better , too. His answer was everybody else is not my daughter.
daddy used to bring me home any wild animals damaged if he was tilling a field and let me care for them because I loved animals as did he and because I think he felt bad disturbing their life. If I got one to live I got to keep it .I had more wild animals as pets than you can imagine.
I love him and miss him more and more . You never get over the loss of your Father .but you always have the great honor knowing how much God must love having him with him I know how truly blessed I was more and more even now. Thank you for this opportunity to talk about My daddy.
I wish that if I ever find some partner to share my life with that they would have had the honor of knowing my father Joe weaver. My only regret and his as well that I never found someone as good as him to share my life with.
Lynda
During the late 50s and into the 1960s my father spoke out strongly on civil rights issues from the pulpit. He pointed out the God-given rights of all people to pursue happiness and to live free without fear. Many times he met stony silence but he continued to preach the Gospel of Christ and to point out the inconsistencies in our society. I was proud of his intensity and in 1962 became a protestor myself in Greensboro, NC when marchers tried to integrate the movie theater and the downtown lunch counter. When I was arrested my father came and bailed me out and said "Christ and I are proud of you". When I was later booted out of Greensboro College as a direct result of my continued militancy on civil rights, he confronted the President of the college, told him he was wrong and backed me 100%.
On Father's Day I will say a prayer for my father and for my son and for myself. May each of us call it the way it is even when it is uncomfortable and unpopular. My father did and I am still proud of him!
WBH Culp
My dad had a quiet reassurance about him and he was always there. I had a morning paper route as a young kid, which meant I was up and delivering papers before 6:00 AM Monday through Saturday. At the top of the hill on Pine Avenue I delivered the last paper and headed for home. There in the distance was the silhouette of my dad in the kitchen window cooking a hot breakfast of French toast or pancakes. I knew I was almost home. I knew I was safe. Beyond anything else my dad made me feel safe, and that’s one of the most important things a kid can feel.
My dad had a knack for saying just the right thing at just the right time…
I sat in the car staring out the window watching the kids who had arrived before me shoot baskets. I was nervous. My first basketball camp, my first time away from home and I was in the 7th grade. My dad didn’t say much on the way to Jack Donohue’s Basketball Camp. But I think he knew that I was nervous. He glanced out the window and watched the kids shooting, too. One of them missed a shot.
“He missed,” my dad said. For some strange reason, I wasn’t nervous any more.
My dad could put my mind at ease without saying a word. He had this reassuring wink that told me everything in the world was going to be OK, and searching the stands for his wink was a big part of my pre-game ritual during my high school basketball career.
I’ve always wanted my dad to be proud of me and I hope he is, because I am proud of him and love him very much.
Lewis M. Kayes, III
Son of Lewis M. Kayes, Jr.
Dr. Sir,
I reply to your request because I have thought all of my mature life that my father was truly exceptional.
Born in Augusta, Georgia, and from his boyhood a member of the First Presbyterian Church there, he was a model member, was a lifetime churchman who, when I was a teenager, was a virtual founder of the Clairmont Presbyterian Church in Decatur, Georgia. In Augusta he had met my mother, who was born in nearby Grovetown, Georgia. They became engaged at the height of the Depression and could not get married because Dad had no job yet. A graduate of Georgia Tech with a degree in Architecture, he had been presented by Tech with a scholarship to help him get a Master’s degree in Architecture from the Harvard University Graduate School of Design. I have inherited many of the letters they exchanged as they waited and hoped for his graduation, which they thought would produce a good job for him whereby they could be married.
After earning his Master’s from Harvard, he could not, because of the Depression, soon find a job in Atlanta. Their letters at the time show great disappointment and depression concerning their hopes. But Dad never gave up hope, and he finally found a job that paid him just over seventeen dollars a week!!! It was on that salary that they were married and that I was born. But he never complained. He just worked and designed some of the key buildings in Atlanta, especially, in 1939, the first mall and shopping center in Atlanta that had off-street parking: The Briarcliff Plaza. At the same time he was an officer in the Army Reserves and was one of not many Americans on active duty when World War II broke out. I saw him come to my mother on the day after Pearl Harbor and tell her, concerning his artillery unit, that “They have given me one hour to tell you goodbye.” On he went, eventually to Boston, where he was assigned as the officer to load the Queen Mary, which had become an American troop ship, with the first Americans to be sent to Australia and New Guinea to defend them against Japanese air attacks. He kept a diary of his entire wartime service from 1941 to 1945, which records his daily sacrifices and achievements to protect his country and its people. He became a battery commander and general advisor to other Army and Navy forces concerning how to overcome Japanese attacks. He started as a first lieutenant and became a major before war’s end. His diary shows how his religious faith supported him throughout and how often he used that faith to comfort and encourage others.
Upon war’s end, he came back to Atlanta and re-entered architecture, designing such classic buildings as the home of the Retail Credit Association, while at the same time fathering two more children, in addition to the two who had been born before the war. Always going to church regularly (even Sunday nights and Wednesdays), he made me and my brothers devoted all of our lives to church and religious life. One of us has just himself retired as a Presbyterian minister who began his service to God and man in Scotland, continued it in Texas and Arkansas, and ended it in Oklahoma, while most f the time our father was a major anchor of the Clairmont Presbyterian Church in Decatur, Georgia, to whose origins he had contributed by getting its property donated by an uncle, and its designs influenced by advice and gifts.
He was a fulltime father, husband, reserve officer, and ruling elder. A 1991 stroke made it necessary for him to spend the remainder of his life in a nursing home, where he impressed all with his courage and endurance. Just before he died in that place, he told me during a visit to him, “Lister, I like this place. They take good care of me.” Along with thanks for mother, I thank God for him every night. He never made much money, but he gave very much of himself to very many. I am honored to be his son, and since his death in 1994, continue to try to live up to the example that he set for everyone who ever knew him.
James Lister Skinner IIII
My dad was a wise, quiet, trusting man. Within that demeanor he unspokenly communicated a confidence that I would do my very best. He, himself, never had the opportunity for much formal education. As one of 14 children, he was hired out to other farmers for planting and harvesting -- much like farm laborers today. When it was time to plant, he was committed to the farm and had to leave school. Ditto when it was time to harvest. Within this pattern he never completed the 7th grade, yet he was one of the wisest persons I ever met. After marriage, he and my mother moved from the farm to the nearby city of Hagerstown, MD. He took a job as a factory worker cutting shoe soles. It was long hours, and he never earned more than $5,000 a year. But he and mother were very frugal, farmed a large plot behind their home and kept chickens. When it came time for me to go to college, the factory owner (a Scrooge-type person) came to him and offered to loan him money for my education. Dad graciously thanked him and said that wouldn't be necessary. Knowing how hard they worked and "scrimped," spurred me all the more to study hard and "scrimp" on my expenses -- working on weekends and during summers. If I had one line to describe dad, it would be: He didn't tell me how to live. He simply lived and let me watch him do it.
Warm best,
Ed Palmer
My Dad was a product of the Great Depression and a life molded on the "farm" where everything was used and re-used and the only part of the pig that went to waste was the squeal. He graduated high school and went to college for a semester, but his family could not understand why he had to spend more time studying for his Davidson College classes than his North Meck classes. Their understanding and appreciation of "higher" education was limited. Consequently, he joined the Air Force shortly after Korea and wound up at Piedmont Natural Gas in their service department after his four years in the Air Force. He saw too many of the professional soldiers were as professional as drinkers and he wanted no part of that, so he went to a "trade". He stayed there for 35+ years and retired as the senior serviceman for Piedmont when he was forced to leave because of his health.
He spent his life sacrificing for others, including myself and my sisters and my Mom. All three of us graduated college, two of us graduated with advanced degrees including my law degree and my sister's doctorate. While he did not "pay" for our education, he provided for us so that other funds could be used and we had all of our other needs cared for. None of us had any college debt when we graduated. The sacrifices of his life gave us huge financial advantages and his attitude towards education, being markedly different than that of his parents, put us on a different path ... one that he could have traveled but for others' limited perspective which he refused to adopt.
My Dad was not a brilliant scientist or doctor. He was not a savvy financier or businessman. However, he died worth seven figures and did not stab anyone in the back to do so or steal from any shareholders or the "market" at someone else's expense. He left us in a great position to find our fortunes. He taught us the value of hard work and commitment: to his wife, children, employer and God. He was the epitome of taking care of the small things and the bigger things falling into place. As I have grown older, I have seen more and more just how wise and good we was. He knew how to make the "right" choices. He left us much too soon at age 65, but he made up for any loss in quantity of time by quality of person and example.
Bob McIntosh
I want to thank my dad for his past and present perseverance and family leadership. He leads by example by taking one day at a time. I love him dearly and pray my kids know how much he loves them as he also loves me. My father is a great man. Thank you god for allowing him to be involved in my life.
Gary Frazier
My Dad (Richard Martin)
My dad was born into a farming family in 1899 in Wisconsin. He attended school to the 8th grade, but then had to stay home to help with the farming. He was not formally educated, but learned what he needed to know to be a good farmer. I was always impressed with his hard work (most days up at 5 AM to milk the cows and was not finished until about 6-7 PM). I spent a lot of time while growing up by helping my dad with farm work, and he taught me a lot about farming. However, by the time I reached high school, I had decided that I did not want to be a farmer. My dad was very sad and disappointed when I told him this. I wanted to go to college, but my dad did not think I needed a college education. He was very uncomfortable around people that more educated. I think that he might felt inferior. My dad set a good example for me to be a loving father and hard worker and dependable. However, he was somewhat distant, and we did not have many serious talks. He could be very stubborn sometimes and had some prejudice against blacks and Jews. However, I never saw him disrespect anybody person to person. Overall, he was a very loving husband to my mother, good father to both my brother, and I and set a good example for both of us. I miss him very much and wish I could be with him this Father’s Day.
Doug Martin
June 16, 2009
I wish to share the wonderful memories I have as having the most closet to Christlike father anyone could have. I wish everyone could know how my daddy lived his life with true humility and honor for his heavenly Father. I talk often to my friends about the life lessons I learned from My Daddy. He taught me to respect other people's property. I remember one time in my high school years when my best guy friend bound for military service during the Vietnam era bought a Jeep and we went riding in a cornfield on Labor day and we trashed a corn field of a neighbor Farmer . when I got home daddy knew (small community ) that I had left with this guy and several of my buddies. called me in to the den and asked were you involved??? My answer (taught to never lie to any one by him) was of course yes. He was very angry but no one but me would ever had guessed that , He only said You were part of something that cost a Man part of his living . You will go to Mr. Hovis and offer to cut the corn you rode over with a manual corn knife and I will help you . but you and you alone must make this right , because you knew better, I said daddy everybody else knew better , too. His answer was everybody else is not my daughter.
daddy used to bring me home any wild animals damaged if he was tilling a field and let me care for them because I loved animals as did he and because I think he felt bad disturbing their life. If I got one to live I got to keep it .I had more wild animals as pets than you can imagine.
I love him and miss him more and more . You never get over the loss of your Father .but you always have the great honor knowing how much God must love having him with him I know how truly blessed I was more and more even now. Thank you for this opportunity to talk about My daddy.
I wish that if I ever find some partner to share my life with that they would have had the honor of knowing my father Joe weaver. My only regret and his as well that I never found someone as good as him to share my life with.
Lynda
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Today's marriage discussion
What a great discussion today about marriage!
As we learned, and none of us has all the answers about marriage and all of us have questions about how to improve our marriage. Here are some additional thoughts, but also go to the blog to add your own ideas to the conversation and let's keep the dialogue going. You can add your thoughts anonymously, and your thoughts may help someone else.
How can we make sure our expectations of our partner are realistic?
As we said in the session, getting our needs for affection or respect or attention met in our marriage may be challenging. But the first question we have to ask is whether our needs are realistic: can one person meet all our needs or are they excessive?
This requires us to know ourselves better and what is driving the needs we bring to the marriage. If our need for intimacy, for example, is so demanding on our spouse, chances are it would be demanding on someone else as well. So we could go to another relationship and find the same problem plaguing us because we have not learned what drives our own behavior. All we can do is keep our side of the ledger clean and hope that our spouse does the same thing.
How can we resolve differences that seem so huge?
We had some good discussion about the importance of having the same values and whether we're on the same page regarding what is important in marriage. Clearly some discussion is in order to make sure we both are saying the same things. But the important thing is to set aside time for some in depth communication in which we are willing to be vulnerable and truly open up to our spouse about how we feel. We do not need to apologize for our feelings. What we feel is what we feel. However, we do need to be respectful of our partner's feelings while at the same time representing our own feelings accurately. My experience is that women are so eager for us to open up and talk to them honestly that they will appreciate any effort we can make on that. Remember that the survey says that most men wish they could open up more with their spouse and that most men are carrying around things which they feel they cannot discuss with their spouse. If we're going to improve our marriage we have to be willing to risk some rejection of our ideas in hopes that we can come to workable solutions for the marriage.
Remember the concept of "Assume positive intent."
As Chris noted, this means hearing the comments from our partner as coming from a positive place and not from retribution or vindictiveness. When our partner offers us feedback, she is intending that feedback to make us a better person, not to destroy our ego. If our ego is so fragile that she cannot talk to us about important things (including things she would like to be different in the marriage) then eventually she will shut down and no longer take the risk to talk to us about important matters. That is a huge loss. If our marriage becomes primarily concerned with logistics and day-to-day routine, we have lost the spiritual piece that makes the marriage really valuable.
How does your faith interact in your marriage?
Obviously your faith is important in your marriage and you should continue to explore deepening your faith. If possible, share your faith concerns with your partner and talk openly about how you feel God is at work in your marriage. Also be honest about how you may have thwarted God's will for your marriage by protecting ego or acting in an an unchristian-like manner toward your partner. It might be worth scheduling some time with Jody or another of the pastors to talk about faith issues. And while we are on the subject, if your spouse believes the two of you should be in counseling, then by all means agree to go. It is a good way to learn about yourself and your partner.
As we mentioned there are other resources on the website including some of the books we discussed. Not only should you consider buying some of these books (Amazon.com has used copies available at a reasonable price), but you should discuss these books with your partner and consider reading them together and talking about what you learn.
Men in Balance is always available to help you in whatever way we can. Also keep in mind that it is a nonprofit organization supported by contributions from the participants. If you find it helpful to you in your personal life or in your marriage, consider making a contribution. You'll find details on how to do that below.
As always, if I can be of further assistance call me at 704.895.8976.
As we learned, and none of us has all the answers about marriage and all of us have questions about how to improve our marriage. Here are some additional thoughts, but also go to the blog to add your own ideas to the conversation and let's keep the dialogue going. You can add your thoughts anonymously, and your thoughts may help someone else.
How can we make sure our expectations of our partner are realistic?
As we said in the session, getting our needs for affection or respect or attention met in our marriage may be challenging. But the first question we have to ask is whether our needs are realistic: can one person meet all our needs or are they excessive?
This requires us to know ourselves better and what is driving the needs we bring to the marriage. If our need for intimacy, for example, is so demanding on our spouse, chances are it would be demanding on someone else as well. So we could go to another relationship and find the same problem plaguing us because we have not learned what drives our own behavior. All we can do is keep our side of the ledger clean and hope that our spouse does the same thing.
How can we resolve differences that seem so huge?
We had some good discussion about the importance of having the same values and whether we're on the same page regarding what is important in marriage. Clearly some discussion is in order to make sure we both are saying the same things. But the important thing is to set aside time for some in depth communication in which we are willing to be vulnerable and truly open up to our spouse about how we feel. We do not need to apologize for our feelings. What we feel is what we feel. However, we do need to be respectful of our partner's feelings while at the same time representing our own feelings accurately. My experience is that women are so eager for us to open up and talk to them honestly that they will appreciate any effort we can make on that. Remember that the survey says that most men wish they could open up more with their spouse and that most men are carrying around things which they feel they cannot discuss with their spouse. If we're going to improve our marriage we have to be willing to risk some rejection of our ideas in hopes that we can come to workable solutions for the marriage.
Remember the concept of "Assume positive intent."
As Chris noted, this means hearing the comments from our partner as coming from a positive place and not from retribution or vindictiveness. When our partner offers us feedback, she is intending that feedback to make us a better person, not to destroy our ego. If our ego is so fragile that she cannot talk to us about important things (including things she would like to be different in the marriage) then eventually she will shut down and no longer take the risk to talk to us about important matters. That is a huge loss. If our marriage becomes primarily concerned with logistics and day-to-day routine, we have lost the spiritual piece that makes the marriage really valuable.
How does your faith interact in your marriage?
Obviously your faith is important in your marriage and you should continue to explore deepening your faith. If possible, share your faith concerns with your partner and talk openly about how you feel God is at work in your marriage. Also be honest about how you may have thwarted God's will for your marriage by protecting ego or acting in an an unchristian-like manner toward your partner. It might be worth scheduling some time with Jody or another of the pastors to talk about faith issues. And while we are on the subject, if your spouse believes the two of you should be in counseling, then by all means agree to go. It is a good way to learn about yourself and your partner.
As we mentioned there are other resources on the website including some of the books we discussed. Not only should you consider buying some of these books (Amazon.com has used copies available at a reasonable price), but you should discuss these books with your partner and consider reading them together and talking about what you learn.
Men in Balance is always available to help you in whatever way we can. Also keep in mind that it is a nonprofit organization supported by contributions from the participants. If you find it helpful to you in your personal life or in your marriage, consider making a contribution. You'll find details on how to do that below.
As always, if I can be of further assistance call me at 704.895.8976.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Would you like to improve your standard of living this year?
So how can you improve your standard of living when times are tough? It seems contradictory, especially if you (like me) have lost much of your retirement or, worse, your job.
The answer is simple. You've heard it before. It involves focusing on the really important things. Watching out for number 2, you.
As men, we are so good at taking care of family and loved ones and deferring our own well-being. Then it happens--we lose a job, a marriage or, like Jack, find ourselves fighting for our life, literally.
It is so interesting that we men put off physical exams, R&R, faith development while we pour ourselves into career or other interests. This year can be different--you can improve your "standard of living."
Here's a beginner's checklist, but you should add to it to fit your needs:
Use the economic trouble as an excuse to re-think what really matters. If your 401K has lost 10 years worth of growth, maybe those 10 years could have been better spent on family, health, loved ones.
Make it your goal to truly LISTEN to your partner with no defensiveness or challenge. Probe her statements and (as Stephen Covey says) seek first to understand, then to be understood. In the last 3 months, I have had 2 men tell me their spouse was leaving them--and they didn't see it coming. My guess is she feels she tried to talk, but felt she wasn't heard. (See the Couples Communication class if you are interested.)
Without fail, carve out 2 or 3 hours weekly to volunteer in your church or synagogue or some other cause that matters to you--and do it without taking time from the family.
Read your Bible (preferably one with lots of help notes) or some other spiritual book that challenges your higher self and gets you thinking about the BIG questions.
Add your own ideas to this list and tackle it NOW. The payoff can be mended relationships, a new sense of spiritual well-being and a higher standard of living.
The answer is simple. You've heard it before. It involves focusing on the really important things. Watching out for number 2, you.
As men, we are so good at taking care of family and loved ones and deferring our own well-being. Then it happens--we lose a job, a marriage or, like Jack, find ourselves fighting for our life, literally.
It is so interesting that we men put off physical exams, R&R, faith development while we pour ourselves into career or other interests. This year can be different--you can improve your "standard of living."
Here's a beginner's checklist, but you should add to it to fit your needs:
Use the economic trouble as an excuse to re-think what really matters. If your 401K has lost 10 years worth of growth, maybe those 10 years could have been better spent on family, health, loved ones.
Make it your goal to truly LISTEN to your partner with no defensiveness or challenge. Probe her statements and (as Stephen Covey says) seek first to understand, then to be understood. In the last 3 months, I have had 2 men tell me their spouse was leaving them--and they didn't see it coming. My guess is she feels she tried to talk, but felt she wasn't heard. (See the Couples Communication class if you are interested.)
Without fail, carve out 2 or 3 hours weekly to volunteer in your church or synagogue or some other cause that matters to you--and do it without taking time from the family.
Read your Bible (preferably one with lots of help notes) or some other spiritual book that challenges your higher self and gets you thinking about the BIG questions.
Add your own ideas to this list and tackle it NOW. The payoff can be mended relationships, a new sense of spiritual well-being and a higher standard of living.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Flight 1549 sent some powerful messages? Did you get them?
Just imagine you were on that flight and just after the crash, you realize you are alive, whole and likely to be OK if you can just get out of the plane. What would you be thinking? Probably not about getting to the office or retrieving your luggage!
Hopefully you would be thinking about the fact that you have been given a second chance, you have cheated death. You WILL see your family again and hold your children again.
Why do we need such a jarring event as this (or divorce or loss of a job) to remind us to sort out our priorities?
Why not make 2009 the year for your own spiritual development? Let this "Miracle on the Hudson" be your prompt to pay attention to YOUR development by equipping yourself to be a better husband, father, person?
Here are some simple things you can do to get started:
- Take a lesson from the folks who survived Flight 1549 and begin living as if this day is your last. If you knew that today would be the last time you saw your family what would you do differently?
- Sign up for Disciple class at church. If possible, attend with your spouse or partner. Discuss the implications for your lives after each session.
- Investigate Stephen Ministry or Road to Emmaus as a route to learning about yourself and helping others.
- Began a daily devotional time with your wife. Men in Balance will provide a free copy of Devotions for Couples upon request.
- Buy a Life Application Bible or The Message Bible and start a disciplined reading of the Bible. Start with John in the New Testament for openers.
- Make plans now to be in church or synagogue at least 75% of the time this year--and get the whole family there, especially young men in your family.
- Take some time away and learn about your spiritual self....most of us rarely do this but it can be very helpful.
- Ask another man to be an "accountability partner" with you to meet regularly and talk about mutual spiritual development.
- Balance work and home demands this year--no matter what it takes.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year! Although I realize for a lot of men this is not a happy time. Many of us have lost friends or family or even marriages recently and that is tough sledding.
The key is to not try shouldering all the burden yourself. Open up to friends and family or your partner and just BE for a while.
This is also a good time to think about spiritual depth for 2009. Here are some suggestions to make this a year for growth and development:
Buy a Life Application or The Message Bible and enjoy the depth of the comfort available there. Start with John in the New Testament and soak it up. (Myers Park United Methodist Church is doing an online Bible study. Sign up at http://www.mpumc.org/ )
Make plans now to be in church or synagogue at least 75% of the time this year--and get the whole family there.
Take some time away and learn about yourself....many of us only rarely do this but it can be very helpful.
Balance work and home demands this year--no matter what it takes.
Sign up for the Couples Communication call below and get to know your partner more deeply.
What are your ideas about this? Post them on the blog. And let us know how we can help!
The key is to not try shouldering all the burden yourself. Open up to friends and family or your partner and just BE for a while.
This is also a good time to think about spiritual depth for 2009. Here are some suggestions to make this a year for growth and development:
Buy a Life Application or The Message Bible and enjoy the depth of the comfort available there. Start with John in the New Testament and soak it up. (Myers Park United Methodist Church is doing an online Bible study. Sign up at http://www.mpumc.org/ )
Make plans now to be in church or synagogue at least 75% of the time this year--and get the whole family there.
Take some time away and learn about yourself....many of us only rarely do this but it can be very helpful.
Balance work and home demands this year--no matter what it takes.
Sign up for the Couples Communication call below and get to know your partner more deeply.
What are your ideas about this? Post them on the blog. And let us know how we can help!
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