Today's marriage discussion

What a great discussion today about marriage!

As we learned, and none of us has all the answers about marriage and all of us have questions about how to improve our marriage. Here are some additional thoughts, but also go to the blog to add your own ideas to the conversation and let's keep the dialogue going. You can add your thoughts anonymously, and your thoughts may help someone else.

How can we make sure our expectations of our partner are realistic?
As we said in the session, getting our needs for affection or respect or attention met in our marriage may be challenging. But the first question we have to ask is whether our needs are realistic: can one person meet all our needs or are they excessive?

This requires us to know ourselves better and what is driving the needs we bring to the marriage. If our need for intimacy, for example, is so demanding on our spouse, chances are it would be demanding on someone else as well. So we could go to another relationship and find the same problem plaguing us because we have not learned what drives our own behavior. All we can do is keep our side of the ledger clean and hope that our spouse does the same thing.


How can we resolve differences that seem so huge?

We had some good discussion about the importance of having the same values and whether we're on the same page regarding what is important in marriage. Clearly some discussion is in order to make sure we both are saying the same things. But the important thing is to set aside time for some in depth communication in which we are willing to be vulnerable and truly open up to our spouse about how we feel. We do not need to apologize for our feelings. What we feel is what we feel. However, we do need to be respectful of our partner's feelings while at the same time representing our own feelings accurately. My experience is that women are so eager for us to open up and talk to them honestly that they will appreciate any effort we can make on that. Remember that the survey says that most men wish they could open up more with their spouse and that most men are carrying around things which they feel they cannot discuss with their spouse. If we're going to improve our marriage we have to be willing to risk some rejection of our ideas in hopes that we can come to workable solutions for the marriage.

Remember the concept of "Assume positive intent."
As Chris noted, this means hearing the comments from our partner as coming from a positive place and not from retribution or vindictiveness. When our partner offers us feedback, she is intending that feedback to make us a better person, not to destroy our ego. If our ego is so fragile that she cannot talk to us about important things (including things she would like to be different in the marriage) then eventually she will shut down and no longer take the risk to talk to us about important matters. That is a huge loss. If our marriage becomes primarily concerned with logistics and day-to-day routine, we have lost the spiritual piece that makes the marriage really valuable.

How does your faith interact in your marriage?
Obviously your faith is important in your marriage and you should continue to explore deepening your faith. If possible, share your faith concerns with your partner and talk openly about how you feel God is at work in your marriage. Also be honest about how you may have thwarted God's will for your marriage by protecting ego or acting in an an unchristian-like manner toward your partner. It might be worth scheduling some time with Jody or another of the pastors to talk about faith issues. And while we are on the subject, if your spouse believes the two of you should be in counseling, then by all means agree to go. It is a good way to learn about yourself and your partner.

As we mentioned there are other resources on the website including some of the books we discussed. Not only should you consider buying some of these books (Amazon.com has used copies available at a reasonable price), but you should discuss these books with your partner and consider reading them together and talking about what you learn.

Men in Balance is always available to help you in whatever way we can. Also keep in mind that it is a nonprofit organization supported by contributions from the participants. If you find it helpful to you in your personal life or in your marriage, consider making a contribution. You'll find details on how to do that below.

As always, if I can be of further assistance call me at 704.895.8976.