Men In Balance

20 Assumptions About Marriage from Men in Balance™ www.meninbalance.org


1. Conflict is inevitable so trying to avoid it is futile. Learning to manage it is imperative.


2. Men and women have fundamentally different ways of viewing the same information which can cause unexpected communication problems in a marriage.


3. Most of our ideas about what constitutes a "healthy" marriage are formed in our family of origin and will probably not match that of our spouse.


4. Our individual ego and pride can be major obstacles to a healthy marriage.


5. Speaking up for our own needs in a marriage is not only healthy, it is essential.


6. The demands and stress of maintaining a family can and likely will create distance between spouses. A conscious effort to reduce that distance is critical to a healthy marriage.


7. Differences in sexual appetite between spouses is normal but needs to be negotiated in a mutually agreeable manner.


8. Most marriages will need some counseling from an outside source at some point. Both parties must be willing to participate and be willing to change for the sake of the marriage.


9. Too much attention to career(s) or other distractions can cause couples to drift apart.


10. Healthy marriages require intentional effort and routine maintenance.


11. Romantic love may be the beginning foundation of a relationship, but will not sustain a marriage over time. Adjustment and modification of the definition of love must change as the marriage matures.


12. There is no "formula" for what constitutes a good marriage. A “good” marriage is determined by the individuals and what works practically for them.


13. Communication is one of the most troublesome hurdles in most relationships, and certainly is in marriage. Good communication is a skill which can be learned.


14. Blended families and mixed marriages have unique problems which will get worse if not dealt with.


15. Open dialogue is essential to a truly healthy marriage and this requires that both parties be open and transparent in their discussions. This may be more difficult for men in some cases, but it is a skill that can be learned.


16. Money, sex, children, discipline, career, religion and family are among the most troublesome issues for most marriages.


17. Second and third marriages tend to have even lower success rates than first marriages, indicating that we don’t learn from our mistakes.


18. Wounds we carry from childhood (and which we may not even be aware of) can cause problems in any relationship but are almost guaranteed to cause problems in marriage because of its demand for intimacy and closeness.


19. Children can become accomplished manipulators of parents. It is extremely important that both parents be "on the same page" regarding discipline and family expectations.


20. Absolute and unconditional trust between partners may be an impossible ideal, but must be constantly the goal.



COUPLES COMMUNICATION GUIDELINES

• Most important decision (made each day): we will stay together.

• Unresolved conflict creates distance in the relationship.

• Successfully resolving issues builds trust, intimacy. It shows your relationship is strong enough to withstand challenges. Avoiding issues means you are not sure.

• Finding your “higher calling” in your marriage puts smaller issues in perspective.

• Intimacy is being able to reveal your true self knowing that it will not be used against you later.

• We must allow each other momentary frustrations without making a big issue of it or taking it personally.

• We can be the “container” for our partner’s anger or frustration, allowing them to vent.

• Emotions are fleeting—sometimes it is best to let them pass without responding (especially when they are coming from our partner).

• It is important to speak up for what we want and represent ourselves truthfully in the relationship.

• We need to be clear about our boundaries and expect our partner to respect them.

• Defensiveness can be destructive and shuts down further dialog.

• The only way to work on our own issues is IN a relationship.

• Assuming positive intent on the part of your partner can keep you from attributing sinister motives.

• Our partner is not our parent, our ex, our former lovers—so we should not read into their actions our own assumptions or weaknesses.

• The best gift we can give each other is a healthy, loving relationship.

• Tone of voice and body language matters at least as much in partner communication as the words you say.